Gender Rituals
A few weeks ago, I published a slide show on my social media about using rituals to adopt new names and/or pronouns. While slide shows are very fun to make and to post, the advantage of the blog format is that I can speak to various topics in greater depth. Rituals around various aspects of transition happen to be a passion of mine, and something that I believe strongly will help to shift some of the more damaging narratives around transition.
The Problem with Deadnames
For example, I’m pretty over the idea that there’s some previous version of a trans person that “dies” to make room for their authentic embodiment. The phrase “dead name” is useful enough, and is often evocative of the dysphoria and frustration that many people experience when they hear the name they went by previously. I use the phrase “dead name” all the time, personally, and I think it’s fine, in general. But, as Jules Gil-Peterson writes in her brilliant essay, My Undead Name, “The demand placed on trans people for consistency and commitment to names and pronouns has the opposite of its intended effect in the outcome. Would-be allies think they are showing that they take trans people’s identities seriously by intensely conforming to contemporary conventions, but what they are really saying is I need you to be legible, clear, and easy for me to understand. I need your gender to make me comfortable.”
The issue is not when any individual trans person needs to avoid being subjected to a name or pronoun set that no longer describes them, and therefore uses words like “dead name.” The problem is when people need trans people to conform to easily understood, reducible narratives, and would rather pretend that person never had any life before they transitioned. The problem is when people need the “old you” to be effectively dead so that they can respect you as you are now.
A New Approach
There are many rituals used to acknowledge and to mark naming and gendering humans. In modern U.S. culture, for example, we have sonograms, birth certificates, birth announcements, and the modern scourge of gender reveal parties, and that’s just what happens when you’re an infant. Different cultures throughout the U.S. and around the world often have gendered coming of age rituals, such as bar or bat mitzvahs or quinceañeras, and gendered rituals are carried out in many different ways and at different ages all around the world. To be clear, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with these rituals (other than gender reveal parties). However, I argue that we need more rituals that encompass and celebrate the transition process.
Regardless of how you identify or what you think about gender, there is no doubt that it is a powerful force for many people, and often effects a great deal of how folks live their lives. Similarly, regardless of whether or not you believe in rituals, they appear to have a strong effect on those who use them. Perhaps, instead of approaching names and pronouns as a zero-sum game, we can instead honor our experiences and all that we carry with us through the medium of rituals.
Another advantage of doing rituals is that they can be done in the context of community. This not only allows the person changing their name and/or pronouns to be witnessed and validated by their loved ones/community, but can strengthen interpersonal bonds and foster loving connections. Of course there is power in claiming one’s own name and pronoun, but there is something beautiful about having your loved ones there with you, embracing the process and committing to use the proper name and pronoun. I also think that purposefully and mindfully acknowledging your journey and how you have grown and changed over time can alleviate imposter syndrome and feelings of not being “trans enough.”
But What is a Ritual (And How Do I Make One)?
Put simply, a ritual is the combination of action and intention. This means that when you create a ritual, you can create something that reflects your identity and needs perfectly. What matters is the concordance between your intention and the actions you are performing. So making sure that you are very clear on your intentions is paramount. You want to bring in the support that you need, and you want to know that your actions and your intentions are matched.
For example, if you’re wanting to let something go, you might use fire or water to release it. This could be as simple as lighting a candle or washing the ink off of paper by pouring water over it. If you want your community involved in the ritual, bring them in! But make them active participants. For releasing a name or a pronoun, your chosen family/family/friends/community members could speak your intention with you (i.e. “I honor and love [your name], and release all previous names I have called them. As [name], I am excited to see the magic they will bring to this world and the beauty they will create.”).
That kind of a phrase might be too woo-woo for you and your circle, and that’s totally fine! The point is that you can create something that feels right for you, specifically.
Ritual Example
There are several rituals that I have designed for the process of transition. The following isn’t one of them per se, but more of a general template that can be adjusted and customized to your liking.
First, reflect. Create a list of questions (or use the following) to get clear on your intentions. Questions may include or be similar to:
What am I choosing to leave behind?
What am I choosing to bring with me?
What are the positive aspects of my life as the person called [name] or [pronoun]?
Do I want to fully let go of (name, pronoun, identity, etc), or is there room for me to carry this with me as I move forward? If so, in what ways will I bring this with me?
After reflecting, you can grab a heat-proof bowl, paper, a pen, a candle, and any other object of significance that you want to bring in to the ritual. On the paper, write the name, pronoun, or identity that you’re releasing. Under that first write what you’re grateful to that name/identity for, or what aspects of your life as that identity were happy, good, or positive in some way. After that, write what positive attributes you want to embody in your new name/identity. Underneath that write the new name and pronoun.
Light the candle, then bring up the things you are choosing to leave behind from your reflections. Focus on the flame, take a deep breath or two, then say, “As I release [name, pronouns, etc], I also release (negative associations, hurt feelings, anything you want to leave behind). Once you’ve named everything, you can breathe in and out and imagine the negativity and the other things that you named being pushed out farther and farther with every out-breath. You can imagine those things being burned by the flame or going into the earth to be composted.
After releasing the negative, say something like, “As I move forward as [name, identity, pronoun, etc], I choose to bring forward [name the good and positive attributes and qualities]. Again, take several deep breaths, and with each in-breath, imagine those qualities and positive things coming in to you.
When you’re done, rip off the top part of your paper—the part with the old name or identity—and bury it, throw it away, rip it up, or burn it in the heat proof bowl. If you burn it, be very careful and do it in the sink or similar so you can turn the water on if needed. When you’re destroyed the paper, you can seal the ritual with some words that feel powerful to you, such as, “So I have willed it, so it is done.”
This is just one example of a ritual. As I said, you can customize it in any way that works for you! If you’re stuck, you can reach out to me to help you create a bespoke ritual, or even to conduct the ritual for you. What matters is that you mark this important change in a way that feels significant to you!